Stern: Ratings Suck. So What? It's Cleveland and San Atonio for Christ's Sake

An unusually angry NBA commissioner David Stern defended the television ratings of the Cleveland/San Antonio NBA Finals before a locally televised audience in Bangor, Maine, stressing that the two cities involved in the coveted championship reflect the growing trend among Americans that outside of the cities themselves, no one gives a flying rats ass about them or any of their teams.

"You have to understand a little something about demographics," explained the Commissioner, before the assembled group of approximately 13 people, who were crowded into a restroom of a local fish market to make it appear that the "audience" was substantially larger that what might be expected.

"What do you want? It's San Antonio and Cleveland?!?" Outside of the Alamo, name me one other landmark between the two cities?"

Stern argued that fans were now watching the Finals on other media devices, such as cell phones, IPods, X-Boxes, and other electronic gear that is rivaling the actual viewing of the games.

"Why watch Cleveland get their asses kicked with James (Lebron) looking around like he's the guest speaker at a KKK convention when you can create the same teams on Playstation and at least have some control over the action."

When confronted with the loss of advertising revenue for the future in light of present ratings, Stern dismissed the notion by stating that the companies who purchased advertising for the Championships are simply not in step with current marketing trends.

"If you were Toyota, would you spend a nickel on this shitfest of an NBA offering? Of course not," opined Stern. "Go out and buy a Wii and smack something instead of your own TV.

According to Arbitron, the national rating systems corporation that monitors viewership, the NBA Finals are still beating out any NASA Channel interview by a margin of 2 to 1. But even this figure is dropping given recent events concerning the Space shuttle's heat shield problems.

"We are not concerned," stated Stern. Next year we plan to report scores at the end of each quarter to anyone who will call an 800 number. The plan had been field tested two years ago, but no one called. The NBA had apparently failed to notify the public of the option, citing advertisers outrage.

King James and Prince Boobie

On a night when LeBron James was trashed on IV shooters, hammered from a brilliant effort in Game 5 of the playoffs with the Detroit Pistons, in rode the Black Knight, or more appropriately, Prince Boobie, AKA Daniel Gibson, who stood there like the knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail" stating "None Shall Pass", effectively closing the gates, the season, and quite possibly the dynasty that once was resided in Detroit.

Rasheed Wallace and Chris Weber placed the final comments in the Piston's Scrap Book. Wallace was ushered from the arena after a double technical, his wise ass-smirk finally removed from the scene. Weber, a Laimbeer wanna-be, showed why he has become a lousy footnote in a career that should have produced far more.

One of the differences between Weber and James is that even on a night when he was drained, LeBron still finished with a 20/14/8 night. Not bad for a guy who was basically comatose for the evening. Weber, on the other hand, simply looked ill-tempered, ill-advised, ill-equipped and with no discernable will to succeed.

Cleveland, of all cities, needs a hero. They have found two. A king and a prince. Suddenly the city has a monarchical government. People coming for the Finals should be there in period costumes. It would only be fitting. Hopefully for the fans, the emperor's new clothes will include a ring.

MLB 40 Game Report Card

As we enter the 40th game of the season, the Rag Box reflects on Major League Baseball standings, stats, and other niceties of the sport. Unlike other sports sites, The Rag Box prefers to report on those teams and individuals who are destitute, and will, in all likelihood, remain so for the season. Let us proceed:

The National League:











The Chicago Cubs:

What story involving losers would be complete without a mention of the Chicago Cubs. We could of course, give all the pertinent current statistics, but in this case, the following video will do as well.






Washington Nationals:



Since the departure of Tom Glavine and Greg Maddux, the Atlanta Braves have not been the same, so the success the Nationals recently had against them means little. Again, it would be a simple matter to explain why the Nationals are so poor, but the following blog site more than compensates for missing information here.

Capitol Punishment

The Cincinnati Reds















Gone are the days of the Big Red Machine, its parts relegated to shade tree mechanics and memories still slogged about at local taverns. This team rivals the Kansas City Royals in infamy.
Like the Cubs, Cincinnati likes to nestle in early and deep. Sure the Cubs are in 3rd at present, but they are only three games from the cellar. You will not need the Rag Box to further define this team. That is taken care of at the following site:

Bugs and Cranks

The Colorado Rockies





Thin air implicated in
Rockies failure to
produce.


Fielders unable to remain ground - stabilized; balls floating in air; people getting hammered at Coors Field bars. These are but many factors surrounding the team's inability to climb from the bottomless pit they covet yearly. But hey, don't take our word for it. All questions answered at the following site:

Deadspin


Next week. The American League review.

Asterisk Dome Planned

Major League Baseball has announced plans to construct a separate Hall of Fame* facility outside Cooperstown, N.Y., honoring those Professional Baseball players who have earned their distinctions under "Dubious Circumstances". It will include a massive, 32 foot "asterisk" on the top of of the building.

Certain to be among the early candidates for inclusion are Pete Rose, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, Jason Giambi, and quite possibly, Barry Bonds.

The facility will have the honor of housing the records for most home runs in a season, most home runs, and most hits, records traditionally reserved for the "regular" Hall of Fame.

Visitors will be treated to samples of "The Cream" and "The Clear", substances widely known to be anabolic steroids. The list of donors, all with criminal records, is impressive. They include:

• Alex Cole
• Dwight Gooden
• Denny McClain
• Darryl Strawberry

The structure is expected to be completed in 2010 to coincide with the Government's case against the aforementioned inductees.